User blog:AceOfAegi/It's A Rainy Day

"Just like a mediocre drama That you know what lines are coming I know what you’re going To say to me today It’s a predictable and typical story"

- Girls’ Generation (소녀시대), Goodbye

As you might have guessed from the opening lyrics I gave, it's time for me to say a long overdue goodbye to this chapter of my life. Not only will I be letting go of DARP, I'll also be letting go of all the feelings, mostly negative ones, I've bottled up all these years regarding, well, DARP. Everything I will be saying hereon will be collapsed, as I am aware there might be people here who will have negative reactions, maybe even try to justify against some points. Whatever I will say, I'm saying it for the sake of leaving here free of my emotional burdens. It's your decision if you want to read and if you want to share some of your thoughts as well, but I won't be reading whatever reactions you may have, as this will be the last edit I'll ever make on this particular wiki, on this account even.

Airing Out the Dirty Laundry
 Once upon a time, a few years ago, DARP was my escape. A little pocket of the internet I could call a second home where I could create and write, where I could meet new people and broaden my horizons. For a while, it was. DARP was where I began to realise my love and apparent talent(?) in coding. DARP was where I met the handful of people I now consider family, the people whom I entrusted a side of me I'd have never shown to anyone had I remained floating around the internet, never settling, never interacting. DARP was where I felt the most free. What went wrong, exactly?

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the incidents where my code got plagiarised. It's old news, a dead horse, something in the past, something I've mostly moved on from. When everything was resolved, I never pulled it up again. I continued on with my life, with coding, but the ugly feelings that were connected to those incidents, all the sadness, disappointment, even some hate, sat and brewed deep in my heart for the next months to come. I never confronted them and I just let them be. What does this have to do with anything? Well, code has become my passion at that point. My works were the things I was most proud of. Coding literally was the first genuine hobby I ever developed besides reading. And seeing all my hard work, those days of flipping all resources I had upside-down just trying to figure out which goes where, how to get the effect I wanted, all without the help of literally anyone, be ripped off and stamped onto someone's work without a second thought, without my permission, broke my fucking heart. That was one of the shittiest things that could've happened to me and the fact that it happened on the site I really loved put more salt on the wound.

I really wanted to leave once the entire thing died down, but my friends were still here, I was still at that stage of my life where I wanted something to hold on to, especially since big changes were happening at that time, so I didn't. But the want to leave was still there, albeit buried deep with the rest of my negative feelings. Over the months, it got built up upon by more factors. If you're still reading this and are quick to be offended at anything said against the general DARP community, I suggest you close this blog as this is a sensitive topic.

Most of the time I've been here, I felt really disconnected with the rest of the community. Even if there are some times when I get invited to a dynamic, when I get integrated into something, I always had that nagging feeling of being separated, as if I was in a room with the DARP with a thick glass wall dividing me and the rest. We can see each other, we can interact to an extent, but never really connecting. Sometimes, I'd feel like a spare, a back-up for when the main crowd was gone and to be dropped when there wasn't an immediate need for me anymore. There was also that vague atmosphere of clique-ness, but that's beside the point. As I sat and reflected numerous times about this, my pristine though slightly dampened view of DARP became, well, not so pristine. It was starting to be revealed to me that it was becoming toxic to me in a lowkey sort of way. If you're still reading, I'm sure your reactions are either a raised eyebrow, an eyeroll, or maybe even a passing thought of she's delirious / insane / not thinking right, because maybe this isn't the case for you. Maybe you had the privilege of being in a position where everyone wanted & needed you that you don't feel the same way. But this is in my point of view and my emotions, not yours, so please don't try to dissuade me from what I wrote. I'm not even trying to convince you of my point of view, so please just read on and keep the violent reactions to a minimum, or exit this to avoid being offended even more. There's a reason why I kept this in a collapsible.

I never brought this up, as I didn't want to offend anyone nor start up a ruckus. I'm not blaming anyone else for this either. Maybe I'm just really not good at connecting with too many people, maybe I'm just not interesting enough for everyone else, maybe I'm too closed off. Who knows? But this disconnected feeling is one of the reasons why I'm taking my leave.

Another reason is that I've finally found the social stability I've dreamed of, a social stability I never got during my time on here. I have my Line squad online, I have my dorky set of real life friends offline. Both groups have become deeply important to me and I'm finally content at something else in my life other than code. I finally felt that I have my own special place in a circle of friends. Not a spare, not an extra. Someone who really has a solid, stable place.

While we are on the topic of stability, I'm going to pull up another reason why I'm leaving. Ever since I started high school, my activity has been dwindling to literally just a few edits every few days or weeks even. My activity has become the most unstable it has been ever since I joined. That lead me to miss so many things happening on the wiki, especially with the characters my own characters are connected to. What's worse is that I found it very hard to be able to catch up and feeling myself get disconnected with the world of my creations sent me to an anxious overdrive every time I set foot on DARP. I stopped popping into chat as well, as I know my inquiries would remain unheard. The change from Live!Chat to a Discord server made even more reluctant to rejoin the social chatting scene.

DARP was slowly becoming a trigger in both my anxiety and depression, something I discovered just a few days before the end of August. Everyday I go to class filled to the brim with unstoppable anxious thoughts about DARP and the fact that I'll be missing one whole week of activity once again made my mood drop more times that I could count. Once I poured everything out on Line, I made a decision to leave, to cut myself out of DARP on my birthday. It's my best solution if I want to survive my future years in high school. One less thing to worry about.

All of these are key factors of my departure. I know you won't agree to everything, or anything I said but I hope you understand. DARP was nice, until it started to become a nightmare for me and I think it's time for me to wake myself up.

What will happen to my characters?
I'm sure some of you are rejoicing since this means some of my models some of you may have been eyeing for a long time are finally free, so congrats to you.

Note: Fade into the background means they are still active as they are IC, but their activities remain in the background and hence are un-RPed. Think of it as a character on a show where they are demoted to extra while still maintaining their everyday lives.


 * Brianna Montgomery — Will continue her work as an Unspeakable partnered to Rain and got married to coworker Drake while also entering a polyamorous relationship with another person.
 * Diana Payne — Fade into the background. Probably runs something along the lines of Hotel Artemis from her experience with Feli.
 * Vasilius Michelakakis-Jo — Fade into the background.
 * Blake Wu — Fade into the background.
 * David Sakellarios-Willow — Fade into the background.
 * Kieran Shin — Fade into the background.
 * Gabriela Beilschmidt-Appledore — Fade into the background. Still continue to care for and grow her coven. Will become a hidden protector of Tessa and her descendants til her dying breath.
 * Alice Cha — Fade into the background. Probably moves to Norway to finish her schooling there.
 * Princess Helena — Fade into the background.
 * Maia Corbel — Fade into the background. Still has to wrangle in Edgar though.
 * Tatsuki Amanogawa — Fade into the background.
 * Raina Fernandez — To be given to Manolo. This means that he'll also get the reserve rights for Tiera Skovbye.

I know everything is so sudden and I'm really sorry if we were collabing and this sent a giant rock to your/our plans, but I did drop a few hints on my profile if anyone cared to look. If you want to discuss a character of mine that was connected to yours, you're free to contact me on Line or email me. You are free to ask for my Line from those who do know it and my email is makimotosuzumi@gmail.com.

What about my other works? Like my code?
All I ask about my codes is that  no one  touch them. Don't reuse, don't copy, don't use. If anyone messes with my code I will know and there will be hell to pay. So please just leave all my things untouched. Let them gather dust in the wiki's corner. Only the people I consistently talk to on Line (you all know who you are) are allowed to use.

I will have to ask someone from the admin team to delete my sandbox, so if one of you won't mind, it'll be a great help to me.

End Chapter
So, that's it. I'm gone. If there is any reply to this blog, I may read it, I may not, but I won't be replying. Thank you for the memories, thank you for the friends I've met, thank you for broadening my horizons and helping build up my world views. For everything negative I've said so far, DARP did help me understand the world outside of the heteronormative world I've been introduced to. It showed me that the world isn't as morally black and white as I thought it is and it helped me build up part of my identity and showed me that it's okay that I'm not fitting into the mold of heteronormativity my parents have prepared for me. So thank you for that.

We're parting ways now, but I wouldn't be opposed to crossing paths with some of you again in the future. Until then, I'm going my own way now.