User blog:Alyssa5582/An Open Letter...

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin with this. I have so many emotions running through my mind. To start, I haven’t been fair to you DARP. Really, I feel like I’ve failed you. I’ve spent almost six years here. Five have them have been spent on the admin team, and four and a half of those have been as a bureaucrat. The majority of you haven’t know me as anything but a crat. I wish you could have been here when I truly deserved to hold this position. When I gave all my time to the wiki and we flourished. When I spent hours upon hours here on chat and RPing for days on end. When I truly gave my all in every position I held. Unfortunately, I haven’t been like that in quite a while. For at least a year and a half, I’ve given you promises of activity, and every time, I let you down. I remain active for a bit and then it drops again, and it’s just not fair to you all.

This should’ve come a long time ago, and I apologize that it didn’t. I grew so accustomed to being in this position, that I couldn’t see myself without it. I was selfish and so prideful. I always want to be the best, I always have. So once I made it to the top here, I didn’t want to let it go. I wanted it all. I wanted to be the longest reigning crat. I wanted to leave a great impact, but I’ve left a more negative one. I wanted to prove that I could make it through high school, my bachelors, and my masters while still holding on to this position. I wanted to prove that I could maintain a strong social life and lead another social group here. I wanted to prove that I could have a relationship, get engaged and married while still having a relationship with all of the friends I made here. I wanted to be the best and I failed. I’ve known for a while how badly I’ve failed, and I’m so sorry that it took me this long to accept it..

As activity has dropped and things slowed down here, I still tried to persist and maintain everything I’ve gained here. When, in reality, I blame myself for the activity drop. If I had been more active this entire time, or allowed someone else to take the reins a while ago, maybe this could’ve been prevented. Had I been a better Headmistress, maybe Hogwarts would still be thriving. Had I been a better bureaucrat, maybe the wiki would be living. Had I been a better friend, maybe people wouldn’t have left. Had I been willing to let go of my own selfish desires, maybe everything would be better off.

I’ve also failed as a friend to most of you. I’ve started rps only to end them after three posts. Relationships have been abruptly ended due to my dropping offline for days on end. Storylines have come to a halt, holding back not only my characters, but those that depended on me as well. I’ve left you all with high expectations, only to fall flat every time. I’m so sorry for holding you all back from things you wanted to accomplish, both IC and OOC.

I wish that I would’ve ended my reign at its peak. Leaving you with a positive image of the work I’ve done here instead of just excuses. Letting someone take my place when there was still something to build upon instead of the ruins I left behind. Allowing new blood to let their ideas flow, instead of holding fast onto my own.

I sit here at midnight, sobbing as I write this .I’m still struggling to let go. Still struggling to hit publish and release something that’s been a part of me for so long. I don’t know who I am on the wiki without this position, but I think it’s time that I get to know them. It’s time to let go of my crown and let someone else become the Wiki Queen (or King). It’s time that someone else who truly deserves to wear it, takes it. I wish I could’ve been better.

However, I’m not leaving. I’ll struggle not being in charge of things. I’ll struggle not seeing my name stand out amongst the blue, bronze, and silver (or black in Bond’s case). I’ll struggle finding my place again, but I could never leave this place. A place I’ve been able to call home. Full of such amazing, caring people that have been nothing but friends to me, even when I haven’t deserved it. I hope that I can put more focus into building storylines and ships. More focus into rping again, removing the weight of power from shoulders. Perhaps being free from the pressure, I can find myself here more often to enjoy myself, rather than out of obligation. I, of course, will always be here to help the admin team in whatever way they will take me. I want nothing more than to see the wiki, and all of you, thrive.

If I need to be removed from being Minister ,Head of House, or Department Head since I’m no longer on the admin team, I will, but I’d love to try and push forward and finish it out if I can. If not, I’ll figure out some reasons for resignation.

I know this is excessive and dramatic, but I have a lot of emotions regarding this, so I hope you stuck with it. I hope that with some new leadership, someone can help bring the activity back up. Thank you for allowing me to serve on the admin team for the past five years. Thank you for letting me be a crat as long as you did. It’s so crazy to me how much time has passed since that November day in 2013. I had a good run for a lot of it and I'm proud of so many things I accomplished. I only wish that it would’ve ended on that same high note. I hope I can be remembered for the good I did for the first few years rather than how bad I’ve been in the more recent. Again, thank you. And again, I’m so so sorry. You all deserved better than me