User blog:Echostar/Teresa Black's Journal

Hey peeps!

''So today in English I was given a stream-of-consciousness assignment. For those of you who don't know, it's basically whatever you're thinking goes on the paper- you aren't allowed to stop writing. So I decided to write a journal entry for Teresa. She keeps 2 kinds of journals- scientific journals for her research, and personal journals. This is from her personal journal soon after she reveals her secret to Ferlen and Mary. Enjoy!''

The world has turned upside-down with my confession. Instead of my usual entries on emotion, I believe I must turn to simple stream of consciousness. My thoughts are complex and my emotions are running rampant. They cannot be limited to simple evaluation; they are pieced together, or even like a rainbow, each color changing into a new one with a transition in the middle; the lightening of orange into yellow, the deepening of blue into purple. But a rainbow is not the correct term for my emotions, for though a rainbow encompasses all colors it gives a happy countenance as a whole. I have admitted that I do not like myself, which considerably darkens the shades. Perhaps it is simply blackness, with impressions of light and color from a happier time. I do not know. I am unsure how to express my emotions. I am guilty. I am empty. I am so many dismal things; but to explain my reasoning, to incorporate or choose not to incorporate these emotions into my actions- how can I? For so long I have focused on the facts, and I have been grounded by these entries. But it was simple evaluation, from a scientific or psychological standpoint. I shrink away from my husband and my sister when their questions pertain to something too deep. Indeed, there are many things I have not shared with either of them, which have nothing to do with my current research, but are essential parts of me. I cannot even bring myself to write about these instances on paper. I have been reminded of them because in order to teach Ferlen what I am doing, and how to block the Cruciatus Curse (as is our agreement), I may need to transform his appearance into someone I truly hate. Alas- or thankfully- there is no one in the world that I have a current, deep desire to cause pain to; I possess only righteous anger or irrational jealousy. I still have no idea why Ferlen took Ashley Flame to the Yule Ball instead of me, but whatever the reason, that terrible jealousy is completely irrational, especially now. Ferlen has promised me that there is nothing I could possibly do to make him stop loving me. I believe him. I do. I do wonder what he’ll think when I suggest he impersonates Ashley Flame. My second option is a mere stranger, and my third option is one of my parents. I could possibly brew a new potion, to make myself forget the person in front of me for a short period of time, but that would hinder my ability to teach Ferlen how to protect himself. Through all this I am encompassed with self-dislike. I do not call it self-loathing because that term connotates suicidal thoughts or actions. But I am strong, and I am loved, and there is no reason for me to die.