User blog:Echostar/Teresa's Journal Again

Today I was offered the position of Head of the Department of Technological Advancement. There was no excitement, or even anxious anticipation, as I accepted. This is unlike me. I know it will mean ample opportunity to make my mark upon the world through an invention or idea. I will be able to complete the movie project. These endeavors should excite me, but they do not. Has constantly shutting down my emotions weakened my capacity for happiness? Or has my focus, perhaps, simply changed? Ordinarily I do not fear change; change is what empowers us. But I look upon this change with a scared fascination. I am intrigued by the lack of emotion; I would not even consider it a curious response, simply one that results in pondering. I fear that this stoic attitude will transfer to other parts of my life. I know I can fake a smile, force a laugh, or exhibit false sympathy if called upon to do so. I have been able to force emotions upon me, then force them out again when I go to work, or even just when I'm alone. Not feeling anything is often preferable to the feelings I am pushing away now. They will break through eventually, as emotion always will when this deeply rooted, but not now. I feel I must stifle myself to get the job done, now more than ever. I see my husband in extreme pain from a curse I put him under, and a part of me crumbles, but I lack tangible emotion. What I told my husband is correct- I have changed from this research, and I, in part, lied to him in order to better lie to myself. Now is the time for honesty and revelation of truth. I do not like myself, and my lack of emotion is reflecting that. This should be terrifying thing, and yet it is not. I try to retain honesty, and any portion of my old self I possess, without being depressing. It is a difficult feat, but I must try.