User blog:Echostar/Seven Reasons Why

Hey peeps.

Being banned from DARP has given me a lot of time to think- which was the intention. And I have concluded that it is high time for me to leave DARP permanently.

There are many layers of reasons why, so I’m going to do my best to list them all and explain them as best I can.


 * 1) I’m not wanted. Obviously this is not the viewpoint of every user.  And I also realize that I may be wrong, and that while I may be wanted, my actions and attitudes over the issues that caused me to be banned are not wanted.  This does not change the fact that I don’t feel very wanted here, or that I’ve lost some close friends over the happenings of a fake world, along with the actions and reactions taken OOC.  Which leads me to my next point.
 * 2) I can’t spend so much time on a fake world anymore. DARP is a place of creative expression.  A place to celebrate our love of Harry Potter as a community.  We create our own characters and essentially write a collaborative story.  We make our characters in a variety of sexual orientations, in a variety of races and genders, and often with a variety of mental illnesses.  It’s a good way to explore all these different aspects of a person.  However, it is still a fake world.  No one outside this wiki is going to see our work- or really care that much.  I’ve spent way too much time on DARP when the real world could really use my efforts to make it better.
 * 3) This could become an addiction for me. When DARP was all but taken away from me at the end of my senior year of high school, I realized that my time on the site was becoming a huge problem.  I wasn’t accepted at school, but I was accepted on DARP.  Since I tend to spend more time where I’m wanted than where I’m not, of course I spent so much time on DARP.  It’s where I belonged.  It was my social life.  It was, until recent events, a place where I felt in control, when my RL was spiraling completely out of my control.  Now in college, things are starting to look a little better.  I have a close group of friends, and not checking my phone constantly to post on DARP is giving me a lot more time with them, and helping me to truly listen to them with my full attention on them.  I’m understanding more and more about how sincerely important that is.
 * 4) There are better avenues of creative expression. Though I am leaving DARP, my character creation and my writing will not stop.  I’m currently writing a play called Stars, which explores the concept of self esteem and what we can do to help boost one another’s self esteem.  I just found out yesterday that I earned the role of Luka in Chekhov’s play The Bear.  I will begin writing for the school newspaper soon, and my first piece will be on the giving the Mercy Presidential Scholars a poll regarding their viewpoints on the five critical concerns of the Sisters of Mercy.  I am currently planning a Prayers for School Safety service in response to the recent school shootings, and I will be writing the prayers for the service.  I’m also coordinating with Campus Safety, our new school Gospel Choir, and even local law enforcement to make this event a success and spread awareness for what a student can do to promote school safety, and to lift our hearts in prayer for those affected by violence on campus.  These are things that I’m doing in the real world to help the people in it, and while I’m spending so much time on DARP, I don’t have the adequate time to make all these projects a success.
 * 5) I need to spend more time on schoolwork. This is one of the usual reasons that someone would take a break/leave DARP, but it’s a very real one.  In high school I could still get straight A’s and B’s while sneaking a lot of time on DARP, but this is not the case in college.  I need to work a lot harder, especially because I don’t only need to retain the information for the test; most of what I learn needs to be retained for life.  I’m trying to learn a whole language in a four year time period!  I need all the time I can get!
 * 6) I feel like everything I do will be critically analyzed. In other words, I don’t feel that I can fully express my feelings without causing problems.  Even the things I write on my own pensieve have been scrutinized and labeled as of late.  I’m still finding myself watching my words here.  I need a place where I feel valued because of who I am, where my feelings about things are treated like they matter.  Generally speaking, DARP has utterly failed to be that place for me.  You may fully disagree with me, and you may think that I’m being rude, insensitive, or even perhaps lying by expressing this.  But it is what I truly feel.
 * 7) I am worth more than my characters. Who I am and what I do is worth so much more than what I decide to do with my own characters.  I’m not going to deny that I’m still very hurt by the entire situation.  I feel like I was very judged based on my characters and what I did with them.  But I also know that in the end, it really doesn’t matter.  They’re characters, nothing more.  And acting like it matters so much more than that is a disservice to myself.  The only thing that really matters is that I and other users got hurt.  That’s it.  But if I stay, I know I’ll be tempted to treat my characters like they matter just as much as the users, simply because they are mine.  They are, essentially, parts of me, and it feels like when you hurt one of them, you hurt me.  That’s not a feeling I can deal with anymore.

With all that explained, I do want to say that I am sincerely sorry for any hurt I caused at any point while I’ve been a user of DARP. I don’t want to leave without clearing the air and letting go of blame from all sides. Like I said above, I’m still extremely hurt. But this is an imaginary world that we’re creating. It doesn’t matter that much in the end.

I don’t regret my time here. How could I? Anything I do helps me learn more about myself and what I stand for. And I’m not trying to say by leaving that DARP is a horrible site in any way; I’m really not. It’s simply not a site in which you could really benefit from my being here anymore, and it’s not really a site where I can benefit from staying.

Now I am still here for the users on the site. That’s what’s most important. If you ever want to talk- for any reason- shoot me an owl on DARP or my pensieve wiki, and I will see it and we can have a chat. I’m not going to do what I have usually done if you have a tense situation by trying to talk to both sides to work it out- as I won’t really be a user here anymore, it wouldn’t be my place, and it’s also been made clear to me that fixing problems that way hasn’t really worked for me anyway. But I will be a listening ear and try to help as best I can. And I will only come if someone wants me to.

As far as my characters, do with them what you will. Yes, I do care about what happens to my characters, but I care even more about the users on here, and I need to make sure I can fully express that.

This site has been with me through thick and thin, and with that, you the users. For anyone on this site that I have ever been a friend to: thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for listening (well, technically reading) when I needed someone to vent to. Thank you for doing your best to do the best for everyone in all the bad situations. Thank you for rping with me. Thank you for dreaming with me, making plans with me, and having hope with me. I can’t thank you enough for that. DARP has been an important part of me for a very long time, and leaving here is like leaving a piece of myself behind. But my leaving is necessary. I wouldn’t be leaving if it wasn’t.

I hate conclusions. In high school I was told to reiterate the introduction and the key points, and perhaps add a quick concept that I didn’t fully explore in the essay. But there isn’t that much more to say. I guess this is goodbye. It really sucks, but I know it’s good too. It’s a new chapter. I’d better make it a great one!

Echo   star    ★   04:53, November 8, 2015 (UTC)