User blog:Ildsjel/But I'm Only Human



''I’m only human, and I crash and I break down; your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart.''

Normally, I wouldn't post a blog when they carry such negative connotation, as has been expressed oh so many times by several members of the DARPian userbase, but I feel it's imperative I posted this one. I talked with Brocky, and he cleared it, hence why I took it upon me to make a public apology. I'd have done it in Discord, but I didn't want it to be overlooked, just as I didn't want to make it seem like I was apologizing privately to enable the possibility of me being able to neglect and deny my past as time passes. After all, with every mistake made, I learn and I become someone better. Unsavory comments I made yesterday were understandably interpreted in a manner that I didn't mean at all. Furthermore, the way by which I explained myself, I know I led many to believe they were a problem in the community. I led many to believe their selection of nationality and ethnicity for their own characters was creating a deep problem, and while I do believe there's an overall problem, K-Pop and Korean characters are not it. I used them as an example and learned the difficult way that it was the wrong thing to do. I didn't want it to come across as an attack, yet it did, and I owe everyone an apology for it. As a wise person explained to me, I hit home, and I hit it hard, for a community that, for years without end, was ostracized and marginalized for making so many Asian characters; more specifically, Korean ones.

When I made the comments I made, I didn't expect to effectively open Pandora's Box. I didn't believe my words would have much consequence, and would instead be overlooked, as I felt at the time was what always happened when problems regarding exclusivity, cliques, race, and other controversial points of conversation were brought up. I gambled, and in the end, I had the losing hand. I'm really sorry for that. I didn't fully think through the potential consequences of my actions, and am facing the repercussions for it now. I know wounds are still fresh and betrayal still rings clear, but I'm posting this blog recognizing the error of my ways. While I have a problem with the general imbalance of racial representation in DARP, as well as the racial bias that has been made abundantly clear by a long list of users, I unfairly singled out this specific racial demographic, and it was wrong of me to do so. The comments I made are in the therapy channel of our discord server, in the event anyone who isn't following up on it is confused about why I'm posting this blog. I would post a direct excerpt, but frankly, I don't think any of us - especially those I hurt with my remarks - are interested in reliving that conversation. Thus, I'll leave it to your discretion whether or not you seek out that lengthy conversation (it went down on 13 May '19, for those who decided to give it a go). Moreover, I'd like to explain myself, what I was thinking/feeling, and why I was thinking/feeling that way. It's no excuse, simply some insight as to what I truly meant when I said what I said.

Back when I made those horrifyingly specific remarks, I targeted that specific demographic of characters because frankly, the imbalance in race waters down to caucasian and asian characters, with hardly any more diversity beyond that. As someone of color who still struggles to cope with the astounding lack of latinx representation essentially everywhere, my breaking point was logging onto Discord and checking into all my servers and group chats only to discover that specific genre was the main point of conversation. I got unfairly annoyed, thinking so why is it there's such a heavy focus on one ethnicity, but not on the rest?, hence the exclusivity of my comments. During my tenure as a member of DARP, I've always tried to present myself as someone who's understanding and accepting of it all, but I make mistakes. I'm human. And I hope that, by explaining myself and issuing this apology, you'll all understand I'm still learning and trying to become a better human. I am ashamed of my words, and the way in which I slandered a group of people who in the end are only doing what they're doing because it's a) what they like and b) the only way they themselves can add more diversity to the community. Yes, there are black characters, there are latinx, but there aren't that many compared to caucasians, and I'd like to believe - and I know others have explained this to me several times in the course of the past several days - this is their own way of adding some solid representation. Even if there isn't diversity, they're representing the people they want to represent, and that's ok. What isn't ok is judging them, calling them out, or setting their asian characters aside just because you don't find the 'appeal' to them. What right do I have to call out anyone because of their preference in a specific attribute of a character? Everyone has preferences, and ultimately, I can't judge anyone; I can't be a hypocrite, because I have these preferences, too.

What I've learned - and I'm not saying this to hurt anyone, so much as explain something from the purview of an LGBTQIA+ woman of color - is that in the end, the changes I want to see, I'll have to do on my own. I started Project 13 and I never saw it through, but I'm understanding now I really should. A wise girl told me just the other day - be the change you want to see. And frankly, that's the best thing I can do right now. So, really, please take this for what it is; a sincere apology from someone who's still learning and growing. I didn't mean to offend anyone when I made the comments I made. I'd excuse myself, but what I did is inexcusable, and I really do regret hurting all the people I hurt. You have your reasons, and I'm only now learning to respect that. While I know this incident has marred many people's opinions of me, I hope that, with time, people will realize I really didn't do what I did because I wanted to hurt everyone; I didn't. I really am sorry.