User blog:Emmatigerlily/I'm So Sorry, But I Think This Is Goodbye

Well...where do I begin? I guess I'd like to start off my saying I'm sorry again, I'd fill the pages with "I'm so sorry" over and over, but I don't want to waste any of your time any further. After a long, long time of debating it...I've decided that I'm going to leave DARP :/

It might seem out of the blue to some people, but others who have followed my sandbox or stuff will know that I've been having this argument in my head for a very long time now. I can't be bothered to look too far back, but certainly since October. So that's half a year, I guess, and each time I've tried my best to find solutions and stay, but this time I just think I've realized that maybe I keep coming back to the same question again because I'm just not meant to stay. I've had the discussion in my mind for many months and I've cried a lot about it (I'm crying now), but I think it's what I need to do. Though it feels spontaneous to me as well and as if I'm not thought enough about it...I know I've actually spent far too long thinking about it in the long run. Granted, I'm not as certain as I have been in the past, maybe only 60% sure that I do want to leave, but I'm 90% sure that I should leave, to save myself further worry about this in the future. I'm not at all saying that DARP is bad for me, I'll get to how much you've helped me later. This choice has been tearing me apart inside for such a long time, and no matter what I do I can't become okay with an answer. I'm not fully okay with this one, I'm not saying I'm not going to regret it or cry more over it or anything, but once it's final then I'll be able to start moving on, y'know?

I've been here two years and four months, during that time I've served a little as both RB and Admin. It's been an amazing two years and you've truly helped me, but I think I've realized that everything is a phase. It was never going to last forever, obviously. Just like all of the other users I was sad to see go, I think my time is also up. I'd like to remember the golden ages of having fun on DARP, not how I feel now...I'm sorry. And so that's why I've decided it's time for me to go.

Why?!
Unlike most users, I don't really have a solid exterior reason. It's not that I'm too busy with work or I'm having family issues or anything. I don't intent to insult any of you, but it's just that I think I've lost touch with DARP. I feel like at the moment I'm coming on out of obligation, wasting a few hours here and getting nowhere. In the back of my mind I think I've stuck around so long because I've felt guilty that all previous time here would be a waste if I don't get to the end, but there isn't really an end, is there? xD I've enjoyed my time here, but I think it's time that I love on. I feel literally sick to think about all of the time I've spend here and now it's all just gone, but I'm trying to look at the positive and how you've all developed me. It wasn't a waste, I'll never regret it, but I think I will regret staying and wasting further time. A lot of my time recently hasn't been going into actually RPing, but coming up with characters and storylines and that truly is a waste...but I think I'll only waste even more if I stay. I need to stop trying to plan and fix something that isn't really broken. It's not my characters or their storylines that I'm disconnected with, it's DARP as a whole, I think :/

What's Going To Happen To My Characters Now?
Sigh. This is the part I feel most guilty about. I'm so sorry for any of you that have grown attached to any of my characters, to those that have plans and storylines with them that are now going to be destroyed. I know you'll say that it doesn't matter, but from previous experience I know what it's like for that to happen and you're allowed to feel completely annoyed at me for it. I think maybe that's a part of why I'm leaving, because I've seen too many other users that I love leave and too many characters that were important to me die. I'm not angry at any of you for that, obviously. I think that now I'm scared and growing further attached to something I know has to end.

Part of me would like to hope that I'll return, perhaps I'm just not ready to leave even though the decision is already made, but...I don't think I can return. For a start you don't deserve that, me constantly coming and going and never being able to make my mind up, and I don't think I should torture myself that way either.

You're welcome to come up with any storyline or plans for any of my characters that you want, whatever you need to happen to them. Instead of just leaving and dropping you in it I think I'll try to be around a little to RP any loose ends that you might have. I want to make this easier on you and myself. I don't want you to feel as I do when someone leaves, like all the time you spent RPing them was for nothing and it's a dead end. If possibly I want my character's ends to progress things for your characters, in whatever way I can help.

Kaye
Just delete, I've not RPd him once so there's no point in doing anything with him. I guess he could go up for adoption if anyone wants him.

Skye
I honestly don't know who to leave her to. Put her up for adoption if you like, I think she could easily move school and not really affect too many people.

Twyla
This is a tough one, I'm so sorry for Ck, Carn and NAP for all of the amazing hard work you've put into making her family recently...and now I'm leaving and it looks like I'm just throwing it all in your face and I feel so bad. I don't know what to do with Twyla, if you want someone to adopt her and go ahead with the plans anyway, or...I don't know. I'm so sorry.

Daniel
Ownership to NAP, because of Carissa. Perhaps he dies of a disease, I don't know. Or perhaps the magic world gets too much for him and he goes off to practice muggle medicine instead, whatever you think will further an idea for Carissa.

Raven
Ownership goes to Ellie, because she has Lilith, or NAP, because of Dalisay - decide between yourself. She could easily just go travelling and keep flitting around in the background happily, I think she'd like that. I can see her breaking up with Dalisay after getting kind of bored.

Carmen
Ownership goes to Ck. I'm so sorry, Ck :( Do whatever you like with her. She could fade into the background easily I think, or kill her to further Thomas's storyline and he can move on eventually? It's up to you.

Kimi
Ownership goes to Carn. He's free to decide what he wants to happen with Kimi and Jasmine. Perhaps she'll have a bad day and eventually kill herself, leaving Kedric with Jasmine, I don't know. It's up to you guys.

Demi
Ownership goes to NAP again - sorry for dumping lots on you, NAP. I don't know what to do with her. Perhaps she dies, kills herself when she realizes she'll never become an auror and that was the one thing keeping her alive? Or maybe she just goes off to join the muggle world again, it's up to you.

I'd Like To Say Thank You Again
DARP has truly helped me. I've improved my writing skills and I'm going to miss all of the characters a lot. It's given me a reason to feel excited and get up and do things, because I was looking forward so much to coming on DARP in the evening. But most of all I'm going to miss every single one of you. You're all truly such amazing people. I'd be here all day if I were to express as much gratitude towards you individually as I'd like to, but I just hope you all know how much you mean to me, and will always mean to me. Your support is simply invaluable. You've helped me grow from a shy little girl who was literally too scared to come on chat, to who I am now, and I just can't thank you enough. When I started on DARP I had no friends in real life, nobody to talk to. I don't want to sound crazy and deep, but you've literally saved my life and given me a purpose when I felt I had no other.

I'm going to try and pop on chat every now and again, and answer owls if any of you want to keep in touch that way. If you'd rather then you're welcome to email me at: emmatigerlily27@gmail.com - I don't check every day, so don't expect a quick answer, but I'd love to hear how you're all doing :) xx

The End
Again, thank you all so very much. I'm sorry that it's come to an end. This was so hard to write. I also feel as if I'm in a daze, I never wanted this day to come, and I know how hurt some of you are going to be. I just think I have to concentrate on what's right for my own future right now. Even though this is the end, and I'm so sad about it and unsure if I want to actually press publish...I know that...DARP will always be my home, when I need it xx <3