She had finished her work early today. The guilt was getting very strong from holding it in so long. So she had to let it out- at least, some of it. She came up to the bedroom and sat down on the floor by Ferlen's side of the bed, took a deep breath, and opened the door of her emotions. She didn't fight the guilt that surged through her, or the sudden tears that ran down her cheeks. It was painful, though, as the self-loathing quickly accompanied it. Her body stiffened and she dug her fingers into the bedspread, gritting her teeth as she tried not to fight it. Eventually the hatred began to fade, and she slowly let go of the bedspread and buried her face in her hands, her body shaking. There was more guilt than what she had allowed to come out, but she wasn't sure she could handle any more. She shook as she glanced at the clock; her eyes widened as she realized how long she had been up there. She took deep breaths, still crying softly, resting her head against her knees as she tried to calm down naturally.
She bit her lip. "Ferlen...." The Polish had been unintentional, but upon reflection, that wasn't a question she should ask. "Y-you deserve...." She couldn't finish that thought either. More guilt was pressing, and she gritted her teeth and fought back.
She buried her head in his shoulder so he couldn't see her face. "Y-you're wrong. I'm j-just getting Darker and Darker in my thoughts and actions. Y-you...." The guilt overtook her and she dug her hands into the floor, all the while fighting back the only way she knew how, beating back the emotions forcefully.
Well... there were very few things stronger than her will, at least. And she didn't want to feel the guilt. Logically, she knew it didn't make any sense. She just wanted it gone. But if she was going to let it all out... this was probably the safest way to do it, with Ferlen holding her tight. She painfully pulled back her defenses, sobbing into his shoulder.
She nodded against him, unable to speak as she cried, the guilt wrapping itself around her. She just wanted it gone... and Ferlen didn't want her to fight back... she gritted her teeth and held him tight, giving her hands something to do.
She shook her head, relaying the words of her nightmare- and, she strongly suspected, the words of her Boggart. "Ferlen... I-I'm a liar... I'm t-trapped in the darkness. I d-d-don't deserve your love, and I d-don't know how to protect you, or her. H-h-how can I ever be a good m-mother?"
She didn't want to stop her research. But she also needed to keep Ferlen and their child safe. A new battle began in her mind as she debated that, and she suddenly got a splitting headache as the emotions crawled into the battle like an infestation of bugs. The more the emotions pressed, the worse it got. With a grunt she pushed on her emotions full-force, steadily beating the guilt back through the door of her emotions.
"I know you don't want to Teresa...but don't focus on what you'll be losing...think of what you'll gain back. Your self-respect, your light, the ability to be the best mother you can, without all this worry and guilt...and without burdening our child with it. Is all that worth it?"
A part of her gravitated towards his words, taking hold of a small piece of hope, causing the guilt to take a few steps forward- then she focused again and imagined slashing at the guilt as it stumbled toward the door... through it... and as she slammed it, the tears suddenly stopped, and she was mentally exhausted, her vision swimming in front of her. She had used too much energy.
He would nod. "Yes it will...but one that we'll do together. I know a lot of people use daycare or nannies, and while I understand the need for a babysitter, it's important to me for us to be the ones who raise her and are there for her."
He would blush a bit...he hadn't mean to sound accusing. "Of course not." He would smile at her, laying on the bed beside her. "...but it'll still be nice to get a break from everything and just focus on our family for a bit.
She nodded. She hadn't used the Dreamless Sleep potion since the baby was born, since she'd have to be awake at any time to feed her, and so far she really hadn't slept long enough to dream. She smiled as she pushed away her thoughts. Peace. "Sounds good."