Being in the garden
Type of Childhood
"Once upon a time, an earth nymph met a wizard. They gazed into each other's eyes, and all that crap, and then they fell into this deep dark, bottomless, pit with no hope that people call love. They had my grandfather, who had my mother, who had me.
"Now, you see, my parents thought they found the bottomless pit too. Really, all they found was this tiny, shallow sand hole. Anyway, they were too f***ing stupid to realize how easy it was to get out of something so shallow and meaningless, that they got married. The one good thing that came from that marriage is me. They hated fighting in front of me, but like I said, they were f***ing stupid. They'd leave the glass shards on the floor after throwing them at the walls, and my dad would go out every other night to 'watch a movie' when really he was banging other women. And my mom, who went to the dentist every week to 'encourage good dental hygiene' but came back with her hair and clothes in disarray. F***ing idiots, how did I ever result from the two of them combined? Do two bads make a good or something?
"Anyway, so one day I caught dear ol' dad snogging the nice lady next door, and I panicked because I was seven and stupid and didn't see what was going on. So, I ran to my mum, told her that dad was sucking someone else's face off and you know what she did? She f***ing beamed. She exclaimed, "Thank God!" and she kissed me on the cheek and swanned off. That night she told me to pack up all my seven-year-old sh*t 'cause we were going to Disneyland. The f***ing liar.
"My parents got the divorce a couple months later and they both remarried, my dad has loads of times but my mum is finally happy or something with this bloke named Mickey, who I don't like that much, but she likes 'im a lot, so, I'm lettin' her be. Anyway, so I didn't spend much time with both of my families after that. I went on with life and found friends while my parents continued searching for the bottomless pit.
"I got my Hogwarts letter at eleven like everyone else. I was sorted into Gryffindor, even though I was supposed to be in f***ing Hufflepuff. God bless that dingy old hat for letting me choose. I graduated seven years later, not accomplishin' much, because I mean, everyone tells you you're gonna grow up, be a special little flower and then find your bottomless pit then fall into it, but people aren't always right. I mean, they're people."